{"id":10370,"date":"2020-09-30T17:19:59","date_gmt":"2020-09-30T17:19:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/?p=10370"},"modified":"2020-10-06T13:41:05","modified_gmt":"2020-10-06T13:41:05","slug":"reconnecting-with-your-estranged-adult-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/fall-2020\/reconnecting-with-your-estranged-adult-child\/","title":{"rendered":"Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ten million Gen X and Baby Boomer parents have estranged adult children. Parents wonder: How did this happen? Where did I go wrong?<\/em><\/p>\n

While time, in and of itself, does not necessarily heal, actions do, and while every estrangement includes situation-specific variables, there are practical, effective, and universal techniques for understanding and healing these not-uncommon breaches. Psychotherapist and author of Reconnecting with <\/em>Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship,<\/a> Tina Gilbertson has developed techniques and tools over years of face-to-face and online work with parents who have found her strategies transformative and even life-changing.<\/em><\/p>\n

Gilbertson cuts through the blame, shame, and guilt on both sides of the broken relationship, so parents will feel heard and understood but also challenged \u2014and guided \u2014 to reclaim their role as \u201ctone-setter\u201d and grow psychologically.<\/em><\/p>\n

Following is an excerpt from the book.<\/em><\/p>\n

By Tina Gilbertson<\/p><\/p>\n

W<\/span>hen you call your child, you\u2019ll either leave a message, or he\u2019ll pick up and you\u2019ll talk to him. In either case, it might be helpful to have a cheat sheet so you don\u2019t stray from your goal for the call. And yes, your call should have a goal. When you\u2019re estranged, calling \u201cjust to say hello,\u201d or to find out what your child is doing, doesn\u2019t go over well.<\/p>\n

Your cheat sheet should not be a word-for-word script but rather a very short list of bullet points. Or, better yet, a single bullet point. It\u2019s fine to write down a word or phrase that you want to be sure to use, but don\u2019t plan out whole sentences. It\u2019s hard to sound genuine when you\u2019re reading.<\/p>\n

If your child answers the phone (or calls you out of the blue), you might feel unprepared to deal with an actual conversation. Many parents tell me they worry constantly about saying the wrong thing.<\/p>\n

Concentrate on listening, not talking. Afirm your child\u2019s thoughts and feelings, even if you don\u2019t agree with them. She\u2019s an adult; your ear, your acceptance, and your empathy are far more valuable to her these days than your opinions.<\/p>\n

Here are a few examples:<\/p>\n

\u201cThat seems unfair; no wonder you\u2019re upset.\u201d\n\u201cYes, it is frustrating (or discouraging) to try and get by on a low salary.\u201d\n\u201cIt\u2019s disappointing when a friend lets you down.\u201d<\/p>\n

Keep It Short<\/h3>\n

The more tension there is in your relationship, the more advisable it is to keep all contact brief and positive.<\/p>\n

If you call your child and leave a message, be positive and focus on the needs of your child, not your own preferences. For example, you might say, \u201cJust calling to say happy birthday. I hope you have a wonderful day. I love you so much. Take care.\u201d The End.<\/p>\n

On every occasion, if you think you\u2019ve messed up and said or done something that didn\u2019t go over well, apologize immediately and then drop the subject. Saying, \u201cI\u2019m sorry; I didn\u2019t mean that,\u201d is a fine way to deal with it. Going on and on about your mistake serves no one.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, if your child wants to focus on a mistake you made, go with it. Tell yourself, \u201cTo love is to be open to feedback from those I love. I am open.\u201d Let your child decide how much time she wants to spend going over something she feels like talking to you about.<\/p>\n

While you\u2019re estranged, any conversation is a positive development if you handle it well enough. If you can let go of defensiveness, all your interactions with your child can proceed more smoothly.<\/p>\n

Making mistakes is part of living, and it\u2019s definitely part of being a parent. If your child tells you he doesn\u2019t like something you did (or do), try not to take it personally. Fall back on your apology skills and give yourself a pat on the back for not being defensive with your child. Then go have a cry with someone who loves you. You\u2019re allowed to have hurt feelings \u2014 just not in front of your child as long as the relationship is strained.<\/p>\n

Sample Email<\/h3>\n

The following email offers copious and respectful validation, visibility, and valuing language. It\u2019s relatively short and sweet and has the emotional tone of the Parent, who can self-soothe if necessary. Imagine receiving this email yourself.<\/p>\n

Dear Ken,<\/em><\/p>\n

I was happily surprised to see your name in my inbox back in May [valuing]. Obviously, it was difficult to learn that you\u2019d rather not hear from me so often, but I do understand your request for distance, and I want to respect that [validation]. I hope these past six months have given you enough time that this note isn\u2019t unwelcome [respect].<\/em><\/p>\n

I want to honor your understandable wish for space [validation] and at the same time, if it\u2019s not too late, at some point I\u2019d like to try to be the father you deserve [valuing]. I let you down in so many ways because of my own limitations, and you didn\u2019t deserve that.<\/em>\nOf course, you don\u2019t necessarily need a dad the way you did when you were younger [visibility]. But I\u2019d like to be a source of positivity for you \u2014 someone you can talk to and feel built up by, not torn down. I don\u2019t blame you if you\u2019re not sure you\u2019re ready to give it another shot [validation]. But I\u2019ll be waiting patiently if you ever decide you\u2019re open to it [respect].<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019d like to send you a hello via email every three months or so if that\u2019s okay [respect]. Good luck with your llama farming \u2014 it sounds like interesting work [visibility].<\/em><\/p>\n

Love, <\/em>\nDad<\/em><\/p>\n

This email assumes that Dad didn\u2019t send an immediate acknowledgment to his son\u2019s request for no contact as recommended. He\u2019s picking up the ball now, after some months. If you received a request for no contact and haven\u2019t yet responded, it\u2019s appropriate after a minimum of, say, six months to send an email like the one above.<\/p>\n

Setting the Tone for the Future<\/h3>\n

If your family isn\u2019t verbally expressive, you may think of saying something like \u201cI\u2019m glad we were able to clear the air.\u201d But that would be under-doing it. Now is the time, if ever there was one, to turn up the dial on expressing affection.<\/p>\n

Here are some examples:<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you, and I hate hurting your feelings. You\u2019re so important to me.\u201d\n\u201cI value our relationship so much; I hope I haven\u2019t damaged it beyond repair.\u201d\n\u201cHurting you is the last thing I want to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

If you offer a fabulous apology, don\u2019t be surprised if your child feels compelled to say, \u201cIt\u2019s okay.\u201d But if no such affirmation is forthcoming, wait until the issue seems resolved. It might take some time, and multiple conversations. Later, you can ask if your child needs more from you on the subject before asking whether you\u2019re forgiven.<\/p>\n

If you apologize well and it doesn\u2019t seem to mean anything to your child, consider the context. If you\u2019ve had nothing but negative responses from her up till now, and your excellent apology gets a neutral response, isn\u2019t that an improvement? Don\u2019t count on your relationship changing on the spot if you get it right. An excellent apology is merely the beginning of a long road of trust building.<\/p>\n

Tina Gilbertson is a psychotherapist and author of Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child<\/a>. Her work has been featured in numerous publications. In 2019, Gilbertson co-founded www.ReconnectionClub.com,<\/a> offering education, community, and support to help estranged parents repair their relationships with their adult children. Originally from Vancouver, B.C., Canada, she now lives in Denver, CO. Find out more about her work at www.TinaGilbertson.com<\/a>.<\/h5>\n
Excerpted from the book Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child. Copyright \u00a92020 by Tina Gilbertson. Printed with permission from New World Library \u2014 www.newworldlibrary.com<\/a>.<\/h5>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Parents wonder: How did this happen? Where did I go wrong?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":10501,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[129,131],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10370","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fall-2020","category-fall-2020-features"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10370","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10370"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10370\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10702,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10370\/revisions\/10702"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10501"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10370"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10370"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10370"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}