H<\/span>ave you and your siblings always been close? If so, you are lucky. For some, siblings may weave in and out of each other\u2019s lives in varying degrees of intensity, depending on age and life situation.<\/p>\n One way to think about this pattern is to picture an hourglass; the long lines across the top and bottom represent a lot of contact during childhood and old age, the periods, according to research, when siblings feel closest to each other.<\/p>\n The hourglass progressively narrows as you move from childhood into adolescence since peers now have more influence. As it reaches the \u201cwaist,\u201d siblings often have minimal connection during their 20s and 30s while establishing their own careers and personal lives.<\/p>\n During child-rearing years, the hourglass expands again in adulthood with the arrival of the next generation. Wanting your children to be with family may draw you back to the extended family.\nHowever, despite your maturity in the rest of your life, old sibling feelings can resurface when you\u2019re together, too easily reopened.<\/p>\n Yet, as one woman told me, \u201cIt\u2019s important to me that my kids get to know their cousins, so I put up with my sisters and brother on holidays when the whole family is together. It\u2019s ironic, though, that we fall back into our old childhood roles when together; I\u2019m angry and hurt and acting as I did, just like way back then. But, when the holiday ends and I go home, I\u2019m back to my mature self. What a relief to get back into my \u2018real\u2019 life and not have to think about them until the next family event.\u201d<\/p>\n Despite your maturity in the rest of your life, you may be surprised to find when you are together, those old sibling feelings are not far from the surface, too easily reopened. You may tell yourself you\u2019re an adult now; you prepare for visits by promising yourself you won\u2019t get caught up in them, yet you do.<\/p>\n If it seems you can\u2019t run away from these familiar quarrels, it\u2019s true. You can\u2019t. Most siblings, however, are able to keep these old feelings and resentments tucked away enough to get together with the whole family a couple of times a year.<\/p>\n However, it is typically in your middle adult years, once your children are older or out of the home, that you have the energy and the emotional space to focus on your siblings. This is often the time when the unresolved issues from childhood resurface, and siblings try to heal some of the old hurts.<\/p>\n Another factor that opens the door for these old hurts and resentments to surface is your parents\u2019 aging. As your parents get older, you and your siblings may have to deal with each other, and all the unresolved issues from your childhood may resurface. By fighting with each other and focusing on your siblings, you all avoid the reality of your parents\u2019 aging and the grief or guilt you may feel about them.<\/p>\n The fighting now, though, has a variety of meanings. The old jealousies or other unfinished business with your siblings may still be locked inside. Now they indirectly resurface around the task of decision-making for your parents.<\/p>\n How you differ in helping your parents may reflect your childhood style of arguing: pitting one sib against the other, going behind the other\u2019s back, passive-aggressively \u201cgiving up.\u201d The questions about allegiances may be the same as back then \u2013 who sides with which parent, who feels left out or favored, who is caught between your parents or between one parent and a sibling?<\/p>\n There\u2019s a myriad of reasons why the unfinished business from childhood, even if contained over the years, now resurfaces. By fighting with each other and focusing on your siblings, you all avoid the reality of your parents\u2019 aging (and your own).<\/p>\n You avoid any grief or guilt you have about your parents. You don\u2019t have to ask yourself hard questions like, \u201cDid you get what you needed from them? What unfinished business do I still have with them? Have I done enough for them now?<\/p>\n Along with this suitcase of old feelings, there are current ones. Fighting with your siblings can deflect from your feelings of inadequacy and helplessness in curing your parents or relieving their pain. Your own mid-life and your parents\u2019 aging bring you face-to-face with your mortality.<\/p>\n Preparing for or dealing with the loss of your parents often raises feelings about your becoming an \u201cadult orphan,\u201d the older generation. You must confront (or avoid confronting) how life is running out on you. You look into the mirror and wonder who is that old woman, that old man? Where\u2019d you go?<\/p>\n Basically, it\u2019s easier to fight with your siblings \u2013 it\u2019s more familiar and less anxiety provoking.<\/p>\n Despite all these challenges, research supports the widening of the hourglass in old age, and senior siblings have contact with one another at least once a week. Adult siblings may have different life paths, but the bond formed in childhood can persist and grow in old age, offering support and connection during a time of life that can be isolating.<\/p>\n As one 45-year-old man said to me years ago, \u201cIf we\u2019re going to get along better when we are old, I might as well work out our issues now.\u201d<\/p>\n Why your bond may strengthen later in life<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":13789,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[170,172],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13727","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spring-summer-2023","category-spring-summer-2023-features"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13727","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13727"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13727\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14048,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13727\/revisions\/14048"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13789"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13727"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13727"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13727"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Adapted from Sibling Therapy: The Ghosts From Childhood That Haunt Your Clients\u2019 Love and Work. <\/em><\/a>Dr. Karen Gail Lewis has been a marriage and family therapist for more than 50 years. A sought-after speaker, workshop presenter, and author of numerous books and journal articles, she is the founder of Unique Retreats for Siblings\u00a0<\/a> and is a past recipient of the Washington, DC Rape Crisis Center\u2019s Visionary Award. She focuses on a wide range of relationships, including couples, single women, and adult siblings.<\/h5>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"