{"id":15300,"date":"2024-09-23T11:12:26","date_gmt":"2024-09-23T11:12:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/?p=15300"},"modified":"2024-09-23T15:42:47","modified_gmt":"2024-09-23T15:42:47","slug":"5-tips-for-loved-ones-who-cant-get-along","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/fall-2024\/5-tips-for-loved-ones-who-cant-get-along\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Tips For Loved Ones Who Can’t Get Along"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Leslie Glass<\/p><\/p>\n

P<\/span>arents and grandparents love our children and grandchildren more than anything in the world. But these days, love is not always enough to achieve the family harmony we long for. In fact, keeping loved ones together may become an unbearable challenge we never saw coming.<\/p>\n

While getting along and staying together used to be a sacred duty, many parents and grandparents are now feeling the pain of unexpected separation. Psychologists suggest that a growing trend toward personal happiness may be one reason young adults are separating from their parents and grandparents. Psychology Today has estimated that one in four people are not speaking to some or all family members.<\/p>\n

As a mom, grandmother, and relationship writer, I have firsthand experience with family alienation. It happened in my close and extended family, among in-laws, siblings, cousins, and children in their teens and adults.<\/p>\n

Disagreements around finances, differences of opinion, misunderstandings, and lack of healthy communication habits can all be the culprit for family discord and breakup. The one common denominator is that family alienation is always traumatic and always leaves wounds that are difficult to heal.<\/p>\n

My daughter, Lindsey, and I were writing and producing partners focusing on healthy relationships for our online magazine, Reach Out Recovery. Yet without fighting, we couldn’t be in the same room for five minutes.<\/p>\n

A final disagreement just before our documentary was to air on PBS led to a bitter estrangement. Our separation lasted four years when we didn’t speak or even know what was happening in each other’s life.<\/p>\n

Instead of bringing peace, the pain of separation fueled our anger and resentment. To get over our disagreements and bitterness, we needed time to consider what had happened and how to reconcile. Working on ourselves, we began to understand how we had unintentionally hurt each other and what we had to do to restore the loving relationship we both wanted.<\/p>\n

Tips For Restoring The Love<\/h3>\n

Feelings are the basis of both happy and unhappy relationships, and we can make choices that impact our relationships. We can choose to be agreeable or sulky, complaining or compassionate.<\/p>\n

We can choose to fight or walk away. It all depends on whether there’s a goal to be warm and welcoming or to win every fight, no matter the consequences. We reconciled and wrote a book about how others can find hope to heal and have true personal happiness. Here are our tips for improving any relationship.<\/p>\n

1. Explore what your conflicts are and how you trigger them.<\/h3>\n

Are you a nagger about a particular issue? Are you a complainer about how you’re being treated? Do you have some controlling or toxic characteristics? No one is perfect, not even you. And very important: No one likes being told what to do.<\/p>\n

2. Listen to what your loved one is saying without interrupting.<\/h3>\n

Your loved ones have feelings that need to be acknowledged, right or wrong. Just saying, “I understand and feel your pain,” goes a long way to making someone feel respected.<\/p>\n

3. Tell your loved ones about all the positive qualities you especially appreciate about them without adding the negatives.<\/h3>\n

Everyone wants to be valued and feel special. Hold back on the criticisms. Celebrate milestones, remember birthdays.<\/p>\n

4. Make some rules to enhance your peace and serenity.<\/h3>\n

You can ask your loved ones not to ask for money every time you speak or get together or not to call you after 5 pm to chat for hours. You can create boundaries around what you can and are unwilling to do for them.<\/p>\n

Your time and resources are yours to give. You can say no to fixing every crisis. Creating boundaries is for you. We all need them, but they can also bring about pushback. If you’ve been a doormat and your loved ones want to keep you that way, they may fight back and be mean. When loved ones are mean, you can end the conversation. Here’s where you can gently refuse to fight and mean it. You can always say, “Let’s talk later.” You can end every conversation until your loved ones realize you expect kindness and respect.<\/p>\n

5. Reconciliation will bring peace and resolution to those who want it.<\/h3>\n

But how to go about it safely? If you and your loved ones have a grievance that’s torn you apart, reconciliation may require patience and a gentle path toward forgiveness.<\/p>\n

What does patience in reconciliation look like? Take your time to prove that you can be nice and non-combative. If you call out of the blue asking to get back together, your loved one may launch into what you’ve done wrong. That is always a trigger for a fight.<\/p>\n

Random acts of kindness are a great way to show you care in a safe way. For example,<\/p>\n