I<\/span>hate the gym. I hated it the first time my high school football coach taught me how to bench press. I hated it at the University of Illinois where I spent five years building muscle mass in my legs and chest so I could compete with men who were naturally bigger and stronger than I would ever be. I hated it most when I started having to pay to do something I hate (go to the gym) when I was in my 20s. And I hate it now.<\/p>\n But I go every day.<\/p>\n It\u2019s my addiction, and, like most addictions, I wish I could stop. But unlike most addictions, it is not making my life worse. There is a direct correlation between my admittedly modest accomplishments and the fact that I have kept myself \u201cin shape.\u201d<\/p>\n Going to the gym essentially comes down to this: Working out is a necessary evil that allows me to keep what qualifies as an over-the-top, ridiculous travel schedule.<\/p>\n I am 63 years old and I still spend much of my year traveling through time zones, going without sleep, and working in environments that can be taxing both emotionally and physically. My peace of mind and my physical well-being are dependent on feeling comfortable regardless of whatever is swirling around me personally, professionally, or logistically.<\/p>\n So, I train every day and \u201cthe workout\u201d hangs over my head like a cloud from the time I wake up until it\u2019s done.<\/p>\n I belong to multiple gyms so that, no matter where I go in the U.S. or around the world, I can find a gym (or \u201cfitness center,\u201d in the current lingo) where I can go and swipe a fob or use an app to get inside.<\/p>\n I know how this sounds. It\u2019s beyond being health-conscious, beyond an obsession. I\u2019m a slave to the weights, the machines, the cardio equipment, and the exercise.<\/p>\n I am aware that it\u2019s possible to get a great session in without going to a members-only club or gym. Most hotels have their own \u201cfitness centers,\u201d and I\u2019ve used many, but that\u2019s a last resort.<\/p>\n I have certain needs, so I use the gym.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t need mirrors that only show how quickly I age, how little I\u2019ve accomplished in the past how-many decades, and how much more I need to do.<\/p>\n I laugh out loud at myself and the other meatheads sometimes. You know who I\u2019m talking about: The guy standing 15 inches from the mirror, admiring his physique, blocking anyone else from using the weights right in front of him. My comment to him: \u201cHey! Why don\u2019t you just kiss the mirror and get it over with?\u201d<\/p>\n Gym etiquette is a pet peeve.<\/p>\n Example: I\u2019m on the treadmill. A person has left a water bottle in the Pringles holder. Now, what am I gonna do with that?<\/p>\n Some of the men and women have attained the ultimate. There is nothing more they can do: 0% body fat, rock-hard physiques with definition and cut muscles on top of muscles on top of muscles, and they look like cartoon superheroes in their lycra and skin-tight shirts and pants. They move as if they\u2019re posing and presenting at a bodybuilding event.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you drop your towel?\u201d they\u2019ll ask, going into an elaborate pose and pirouette to pick it up, flexing their pectorals and displaying their abs, even when I say, \u201cUh, that\u2019s not mine.\u201d<\/p>\n I see them grimacing at themselves in the mirror, doing one-armed curls with a 120-pound barbell, their entire being bulging with each rep.<\/p>\n \u201cExcuse me,\u201d I want to say, \u201cyou\u2019re done. Really. Even if you\u2019ve been named Mr. or Mrs. Universe, you are not a universe. You cannot expand indefinitely. You are finite as a human being. You cannot possibly add more muscle\u2014unless you\u2019re trying to attain mass with your head. And if you are, that\u2019s just gross.\u201d<\/p>\n Even after all this effort, my body shape is not what anyone would mistake for \u201cathletic.\u201d In fact, some of the major fitness apparel companies such as Under Armour, Nike, Reebok, and Adidas have threatened me with lawsuits for defamation if I wear anything with their logo in public.<\/p>\n One of the redeeming factors to daily workouts? Mental focus.<\/p>\n What am I currently focused on mentally? I hate working out.<\/p>\n That\u2019s the gym. I suppose it keeps you looking fit and there is no doubt that exercise is probably better for most people than doing nothing.<\/p>\n But going to the gym, and staying somewhat fit, is as much about the mind as it is about the body.<\/p>\n Ventriloquist goes on a humorous rant about going to the gym<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":9733,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[119,121],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9596","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-winter-2020","category-winter-2020-columns"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9596","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9596"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9596\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9868,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9596\/revisions\/9868"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9733"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9596"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9596"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthyaging.net\/magazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9596"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Comedian and world-renowned ventriloquist, Taylor Mason,<\/a> who was the winner of the 1991 Star Search, recently released his humorous new memoir, \u201cIrreversible<\/a>.\u201d<\/h5>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"